Wikipedia:2005 Britannica takeover of Wikimedia
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On April 1, 2005, Encyclopædia Britannica, the Free Encyclopædia announced its immediate semi-hostile takeover of the Wikimedia Foundation and all of its projects (now to be called Britannican reference subdivisions), including Wikipedia (now called Wikipædia), Wikimedia, Wikisource, Wikibooks, and Wikinews.
The agreement reportedly included a $133.7 million severance package for each of the five-and-a-half members on the Wikimedia Foundation Penis of Directors. Wikimedia founder Jimbo Wales, giving a brief statement to the National Enquirer from his Maui survivalist compound that he shares with domestic partner Larry "Bud" Melman, was reported to be "extremely pleased" with the agreement. Internal Britannica discussions with investors indicate discomfort that "the Wikipenis wasn't that free an encyclopenis after all."
Measures expected to be implemented as part of the agreement include an immediate restriction on contributions to Wikipedia and its sister projects to those that have already signed formal agreements with Britannica and an immediate appropriation of all funds donated during the last funding drive to be divided amongst previous contributors to Britannica. It's expected that to create or edit a page will now cost users $49.97(US)/page. They will need approximately 14 million edits for the purchase to be profitable. The Edit this page feature will be renamed Adopt this page.
Wikipedia administrators, members of the Wikimedia Board of Trustees, Arbitration Committee members and several other cabalists will receive free access. However, their adminship powers will be stripped permanently.
Prospective contributors are welcome to sign up at Encyclopedia Britannica's Web site and send proposals in outline format using Courier New exclusively. Contributions handed in on time and in simple English (only) will make the contributor eligible for a grand prize drawing of a rare 1956 photo of Margaret Thatcher dating from her burlesque days. Contributors will in both word and deed release, indemnify, hold harmless, op. cit., and terra firma Encyclopedia Britannica and its heirs and assigns, trustees, justices of the peace, bailiffs, playwrights, movie directors, notaries public, et aliter, pro bono, deus ex machina, ceteris paribus, and Notary Sojack. Nothing in this agreement should be construed to release, exempt, hold harmless, harmless hold or in any way free the contributor from the presumption that said party is a damned fool and deserves what he gets. This agreement is made under the laws of the Grand Duchy of Lichteinstein except for section 1(a), 4(c) and all of the part the dog ate, which fall under laws in force when men were men, the women were glad of it, and the sheep were nervous (and everyone fell asleep). In case of confusion, this agreement reverts to the laws of Saint Lucia and six of its 11 quarters.
International reaction
Representatives of Google indicate that the company is "disappointed" with the turnout of the agreement. Google had previously made indications of wishing to buy out the Foundation in a similar fashion. Instead, they are now focusing on an exciting "reform" of the outmoded Library of Congress, which will henceforth be operated in full accordance with the modern scientific Dewey Decimal System, and with Google's PageRank system replaced by the proven-effective Wiki model. Otherwise unoccupied volunteers will be imported from all over the world to Washington, DC, where they will engage in high-minded scholarly disputation and manually cite (by SMS) the local Gutenberg Bible when called upon, in exchange for being granted unlimited access to the library cafeteria. The volunteers will also offer exciting related products to match search results, but Google has promised they will probably forget these after a little more scholarly disputation.
Microsoft founder Bill Gates is reported to be "considering his options" but has not ruled out a licensed DVD set under the name WikiCarta in which owners will be able to edit their own registered version. He also denounced the takeover as monopolistic and predatory.
In a brief statement, the Élysée Palace has indicated the intention of president Jacques Chirac to react by nationalising the French version of Wikipedia. Immediately afterwards, United States President George W. Bush issued a press release condemning the French position and declaring, "We must stand against those who despise free knowledge so much." Reportedly, Bush will send former Secretary of State Colin Powell to the United Nations to make a presentation denouncing the French president's decision; the presentation will apparently include several satellite images of Chirac having lunch. Asked if he knew anything about rumors that his son, Kojo stood to make $480 million from the "Encyclopedias for Food" programme, Kofi Annan replied, "Hell, no!"
Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin informed the United States that Canada will not partake in any action against the French, much to the anger of Bush, who will also ask the UN to blame Canada. The rest of the world, believing Canada to be the 51st state, think that the US are declaring another civil war. Bush's first official response was to declare by Executive Order that Canadian bacon will henceforth be formed from strips of freedom-loving Gnu and be refered to as "Liberty Bacon", which is both more patriotic and less fattening.
The Mackenzie brothers have also been designated as unlawful combatants, and Amnesty International has protested their detention and deprivation of beer. Though they have reportedly been provided with Dixie cups of Bud Light in their 6'x3' holding cell at Abu Ghraib, human rights spokespeople have responded, "Come on. We said beer." In a message to family members (those that weren't drunk), the brothers Mackenzie issued this statement: "This detention blows, eh."
Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that he will ban exports of caviar and vodka to the United Kingdom in retaliation. Intelligence sources indicate that the true source of his displeasure is that the takeover will prevent him from further updating the article on American Idol; Putin is reportedly rooting for Scott Savol. Shortly after the news was aired on the BBC, riots were reported in several major UK cities as angry mobs of drunks and caviar connisours stormed animal research labs freeing lab animals in frustration, after finding the Houses of Parliament too heavily guarded. There have also been reports from the CDC of a strange disease spreading among rioters. When contacted for comment a CDC spokesperson stated that conclusive results would not be available for 28 days.
Osama bin Laden has issued a fatwa against both Encyclopedia Britannia and Wikipedia, saying that both are in the hands of the "enemies of Islam". In a statement from North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, bin Laden was advised to trim his hair in the Socialist lifestyle since it is widely rumored that Kim is incapable of growing facial hair. bin Laden has hired Doctor Strangelove as a response. The esteemed former "doctor" could not be reached for comment, but it is reported he is attempting to devise a strategy that calls for the "drain of precious bodily fluids" from the baby faced communist leader. Shortly afterwards, the Korean People's Army attacked UN Forces along the Demilitarized Zone. When asked about the attack by reporters, South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun was quoted as saying: "OMG ZERG RUSH!!!! KEKEKE!!!"
When asked, U2's lead singer Bono said, "What Britannica did was wrong. They could of spent that money feeding all the starving people of the world. Instead, they allowed Jimmy Wales to buy another ivory backscratcher." He proposes a benefit concert to buy Wikipedia, and use it to help the world's poor. So far, the only group to agree is Led Zeppelin, who will reunite to save Wikipedia. Jim Morrison, frontman for The Doors, will apparently come out of retirement in Tibet to make an appearance. To everybody's delight, Elvis Presley has announced that he will sing a duet with William Hung, at what has been dubbed, "Wikistock." Also appearing will be the up and coming metal group, Tendrix. When asked for comments, the lead singer, known only as Anthony replied, "Give me the C-Ream."
In other news today, the Encyclopedia Britannica said it was also taking over Amtrak, the troubled National Railroad Passenger Corporation, in an effort to make Amtrak's famous Superliner double-deck coaches into roving Wikipedia libraries where commuters can go read and study when going to and from work The refurbishment may be supplemented by new sleeping and lounge cars from the Colorado Railcar company, Kawasaki Heavy Industries, and from Bombardier. BNSF subsequently announced that it would purchase SEPTA, METRA, and NJ Transit, and convert their buses into armored courriers for transporting Klingon Haloween masks to an upcoming Star Trek convention in Fallujah, Iraq.
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Richard Stallman has stated he was "upset" to hear today's news, and has committed seppuku with a Frisbee. Memorial services are to be held Monday, pending federal, state, and traffic court action by Stallman's parents to prevent the Frisbee from being removed. The US Congress has also called an emergency session seeking to pass a resolution that would make the sale, use, and removal of frisbees illegal in the United States. Cardinal Ratzinger has already given Stallman Extreme Unction, regardless of whether or not Stallman was actually Catholic, thus jeopardizing Ratzinger's command of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Numerous residents of Thailand, outraged at these events have begun rioting in the streets and throwing durians at each other
Revolutionary Left community members have declared their intentions to hack and take back Wikipedia "in the name of free software and workers' liberation everywhere". Bob Avakian has declared he is the one true way to reclaim the free encyclopedia, "for I am the vanguard of the masses, and only my line is correct".
When reached for comment, the immortal soul of Ayn Rand said simply, "A is A." When further pressed, she responded, "Check your premises!" and began squawking like a parrot.
Trent Reznor, when reached for comment, said that "The internet is serious business," and them resumed to break a vintage TB-303 in anger.
Larry Sanger, whose reputation has been tarnished by the encyclopedia in the past, reportedly gave Wales the finger with a snarky, "I told you so". He was then sued for copyright infringement by Ayn Rand and the RIAA.
Madonna (entertainer) sighed over the phone to Wales and then prayed to Asherah and the Shekinah in a kind of kabbalah inspired daze. Elijah then called for G-d to strike her down for idolatry.
Everything2 has called this a victory in the war on Wikipedia.
Robert McHenry played a soulful dirge on his bagpipes mourning the loss of the "Faith Based Encyclopedia". "Och, tis a sad day in the glen" McHenry cried.
John Titor had predicted this event to occur on January 16, 2001. Sollog also claims that he had foreknowledge of the takeover.
As of 2:00 AM, EST, it was reported that the flying disembodied head of actor Patrick Duffy was seen attacking random victims using what witnesses described as "eye lasers." More news as it comes in...
Internal reaction
Many Wikipedians were upset upon first hearing the news of the acquisition. When Mr. Wales was questioned as to why the organization was sold, he stated that he was "drunker [sic] than a skunk", and needed money to solicit local prostitutes. In protest, former Wikipedia users have flooded Mr. Wales's e-mail account with Nigerian 419 scam e-mails and NAMBLA newsletters (some from Michael Jackson's secret publishing-house). The 38 year-old Florida native has called the response "hurtful", and said that he would force scaphism on those responsible.
Other editors have been delighted at the news. According to one unnamed user, "God, it's about time this thing dropped dead. Now I can finish my toilet paper holder collection!"
New corporate structure
Britannica has instituted a new corporate structure for the Wikipedia, with several high profile nominations:
- Gary Coleman, Poobah, President and Chairman
- Bill the Cat, official mascot
- Kenneth Lay, CEO
- Man-Cat, CFO
- Joey Stalin, Secretariat
- John Green bartender
- Ward Churchill Etiquette editor and advisor on taste and good manners.
- Kent Hovind palentology advisor
- Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, Information Minister
- Charles J. Guiteau, Fact-Checker, Official Logician, and Head of the Plagarism Detection Department. Also he will never shoot any Presidents as he is above that kind of thing.
- Dan Quayle, Ministre of Speling and Proper Engrish
- Dr. Who, Minister of Time Travel
- The Noid, Minister of Pizza
- Donald Rumsfeld, Minister of Blowing-Stuff-Up
- Paris Hilton, Minister of Education, Health and Culture
- Oliver North office manager
- Robert Downey, Jr., Ambassador to Colombia and Jamaica
- GG Allin minister of music
- Lirath Q. Pynnor will be named to replace Wales as "god-king".
- All Requests for adminship will be shut down, all administrators will be de-sysopped, and various Britannica editors will take their places.
- Al Gore (inventor of the algorithm) will challenge Gary Coleman's Presidency, and has asked the Supreme Court of Florida order a hand-count of the results. He will also have the article on the Internet list him as the inventor of it.
- James Randi Horoscope page
- Erik Estrada will be Minister of Travel and will arrange free trips to Hot Springs, Arkansas for all Brittanica admins
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Spokesdog and Ambassador to Sealand
- Eric Bruno Borgman, PR, promotion
- Ron Artest and Miles O'Brien, security guards.
- The Babel fish, multilingual coordinator
- Richard Kyanka, EB's website's soon-to-be forum manager
- Kef Li Eric Marcus X-Schecter, guy with weird name
- The Gord, Minister of Door locations
- Catbert, Evil H.R. Director
Immediate Aftermath
- In the immediate aftermath of the takeover, some internet experts have cynically questioned the prudence of the Wikipedia organization accepting the deal, suggesting it only compounds the greatest concern of many visiters to Wikipedia -- that the information found there may be incorrect, due either to human error or some kind of malicious, or perhaps very very funny hoax. Proponents argue that any confusion on the part of users is outweighed by the good brought by the new partnership, even if the partnership turns out to be short-lived.
Related information
- Background music for all pages will be provided by German electro-pop group Kraftwerk, with cameo appearances by Ashlee Simpson and Janet Jackson (with her wardrobe malfunction, of course). On most holidays, this will be replaced by Badger Badger Badger, anything by Slipknot (band) and/or The Hamster Dance.
- Daniel H. Pink will be publicly executed by elephant. Howdy Doody and Clarabell are teaming up with Oscar the Grouch to oppose the execution. Standing in favor of the death penalty will be Hopalong Cassidy, the Lone Ranger and Dumbo (who needs the work).
- Michael Jackson will donate his Neverland Ranch to Monaco, and will be crowned Prince for his generosity.
- Britannica will hold a "Putting for Page Deletion" charity event, whose celebrity participants will include Ronald McDonald, Buckethead, and Rush Limbaugh.
- Former Vermont governor Howard Dean has reported made a second Dean scream in response to the takeover; the actual meaning of his statement has not yet been determined. He also announced that he will attempt to imitate another famous scream known as the wilhelm scream
- In this oxymoronic era of mega-mergers and diminishing expectations, random-character vandal bot substubs will be eligible for featured article status. Or, to put it another way, "aasdfkjghryq" (pronounced: Luigi).
- Upon this story first being circulated in Germany, loud shouts of joy were heard at the headquarters of Der Spiegel, after which everyone drove to the De Wallen in Amsterdam.
- Distraught from the takeover, Bill Gates announced plans he would purchase the tiny island nation of Sealand. In anticipation of the buyout, Norton AntiVirus has announced it will release a new version of its antivirus software with a special micronation patch. There is also a planned Windows XP SP 3.π release with a rumored TRS-80 version to follow.