List of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps characters
The following is a list of characters for the British sitcom, Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, written by Susan Nickson and broadcast by the BBC. It is set in the town of Runcorn in Cheshire, England and revolves around the lives of five twentysomethings.
Main characters
Jonny Keogh
- Played by: Ralf Little (Series 1 - 6)
Born June 30 1981[1], making him a Cancer, mentioned by Louise in one episode. Jonny is a sweet devoted husband to Janet Smith. He loves daytime television (especially Through the Keyhole, LK Today, This Morning and As Time Goes By), eating cat food as he "just can't resist those meaty chunks in jelly", desiccated coconut, carpets (because they're "nice"), egg butties, Bovril[2] and his six o'clock sandwich. He has a fetish for biscuits - mostly Jammie Dodgers but cannot decide whether Kit Kats are a chocolate or a biscuit. Jonny is a keen fan of Liverpool FC, has a secret obsession with the film Titanic and also enjoys cartoons such as ThunderCats[3]and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, as he watched them as a child. Despite being married to Janet and having a son, Jonny frequently struggles to deal with his feminine side (according to Janet his "big cockmunching side"); Jonny nearly punches Janet when she calls him "a big gay" after she began to push him around because she was sick of it. Sheridan Smith has said that Susan Nickson intended Jonny to become more gay as time passed, but Ralf Little was not keen on this; however he went along with it. Nickson herself claims that she was only exposing Ralf Little's "latent homosexuality".[4] Jonny is unemployed throughout the series except for brief periods of time and once describes himself to Gaz as a "lazy gobshite", for a time receiving more on Jobseeker's Allowance than Donna earns. He is killed off-screen in the first episode of Series 7, "When Jonny met Sharky".
Janet Keogh (née Smith)
- Played by: Sheridan Smith
Born June 25 1981, she is a Cancer. Janet has GCSEs in P.E. and Home Economics and is the homely girl of the group who loves "things that go bleep bleep", Cheeky Vimto, cigarettes, Coronation Street and - unlike Jonny - rich tea biscuits. Janet initially works in Sayers' (Hampson's) Bakery until she beats Donna for the position of manager of The Archer, shortly before it is closed down by Health and Safety inspectors. Janet and Jonny are together from Series 1 and she has always tried to remain loyal to him. However, she kisses her ex-boyfriend Andy outside the Archer during Series 2, only to be caught by Gaz and Louise; when engaged to Jonny she realises that she doesn't love him any more and dumps him. This leads to jealousy when Jonny finds a new girlfriend, Kate. During this time, Janet has a one night stand with Gaz after both are feeling unloved, but are discovered by Louise; she later reveals this during a flashback. Janet manages to persuade Jonny to go back to her and they marry in Series 5. She later gives birth to a child, "Corinthian McVitie Keogh".[5] In Series 7, Jonny's death affects her greatly and her sense of loss results in her attempting to seduce Gaz's half-brother Munch; she also allows Louise to move in with her. Eventually she realises that she loves Gaz, and Donna's departure for London leaves them together.
Gary "Gaz" Wilkinson
- Played by: Will Mellor
Born in either April or May of 1979, Gaz is an Aries. Gaz has two sisters (Julie and Tasha) and a half-brother, Munch. He works as a mechanic at Brindley Autos, originally owned by his father until he sells it to Donna. Gaz is a stereotypical "blokey bloke" who likes football (supporting Manchester City FC), and also beer, sex, Hollyoaks[6] and Monarch of the Glen. He is an avid collector and user of pornography and has a phobia of sheep, believing them to be evil. His favourite books include The Lust of the Mohicans, Pleasure Island, Macbiff and The Count Of Monte Cristo (although the cover doesn't actually say "Count"). He is the person responsible for splitting up Jonny and Kate, much to the happiness of Janet. At one point, he cheats on Donna by sleeping with Janet. This secret is kept quiet for a while, until he accidentally reveals his betrayal to Donna one night in bed. After this, he and Donna split up for a while, until they get back together after he is involved in a road accident. Gaz finds out he has a low sperm count after deciding to become a sperm donor because he feels broody; this supposedly proves that Jonny is Corinthian Keogh's father. He proposes to Donna numerous times throughout Series 6 before the two of them finally get engaged, and they eventually marry in Series 7. After the marriage, Louise finds out that Gaz is Corinthian's real father and despite trying to keep it secret, informs Gaz, who is thrilled; but she decides not to tell Janet, who is still dealing with the loss of Jonny. Gaz and Janet finally realise they belong together, and at the end of series 7, Donna leaves them to be happy together.
Donna Wilkinson (née Henshaw)
- Played by: Natalie Casey
Born in 1980 around May or June. She is a Taurus. She was conceived in a Ford Capri, Donna is currently married to Gaz Wilkinson. She has a GCSE in Music, and is the brazen, sexually promiscuous one of the group. She dislikes vegetarian students and thin people who diet (however, she very much disliked Gaz when he was fat). She is also known to have a vicious temper, and once killed an ex-boyfriend's budgie. Donna also has a younger estranged brother Dion, and a sister Katie. She also seems to have another younger, unnamed brother who is only seen in the episode "Spunk". Her mother Flo, to whom she was very close and used to ask advice from, dies after being run over by a truck. Donna is employed for a time by O'Connor's Plastics selling buckets, rising to become a very well-paid executive until she is fired after stealing and then crashing a company van. Donna and Gaz briefly split after Donna finds out that Gaz had a one night stand with best friend Janet; she then goes to great lengths to hide the fact she still has feelings for him including considering plastic surgery and convincing herself she has to have Gaz's help when Jonny and Janet go missing on their wedding day. They eventually get back together again after Gaz is involved in a road accident, when she finally admits that she loves him. She proposes to Gaz at the end of Series 6, after rejecting his earlier proposal to her, and they finally marry in Series 7. Donna works at the Archer after taking over the manager's position from Tim Claypole, but seeking to move onwards, finally gets a job in London and leaves Gaz.
Louise Brooks
- Played by: Kathryn Drysdale
Louise Susannah Brooks, Also a Taurus, was born in 1981 in May or June, is initially seen as a student of sociology, although she is in one episode seen as a trainee social worker. She is desperate to find the perfect man and loves horoscopes, Coronation Street, collecting Sylvanian Families, balloon animals, Steps and the Disney Store. She dislikes old people and fears getting old. She is overly childish, selfish, naive, insensitive and deters most men she meets. Louise has a high-pitched voice: Kelly the barmaid claims that Louise's voice "chills her to the bones" and that she is a "squeaky biffa", and Donna has called her a "squeaky little twatbag". She discovers that she is adopted later on in the series; her adoptive mother is a depressed maniac who sits in her nightie looking at the fridge all day. She eventually meets her birth mother and her husband (initially, she mistakenly believes him to be her real father) before tracking down her birth father, Brian, who turns out to be gay and an alcoholic. She has also mentioned an "Auntie Nigel" on more than one occasion, who is supposedly a psychopath. Louise is a snobby person who neither respects, or even wants to look at Jonny (who, in one episode, thinks she tastes like lard), although at one point she stated that she liked him "in a way". Louise even got "dull" Jonny shot once: when she took a job at the Office for National Statistics, she changed his profile on the computer to that of a serious armed criminal (and Thailand's tallest prostitute) to make it less boring. This later resulted in Jonny being shot in the knee in the grounds of Halton Castle for which Louise was arrested and charged with "incitement to GBH". She had a brief stint as the manager of the Sayers' bakery in which Janet worked, but was eventually fired after sacking all of her employees. Near the end of the sixth series, it is revealed that Louise is pregnant and it is hinted that Donna's younger brother, Dion, may be the father. In series seven she resides with Janet and Corinthian and has found out that she is carrying a baby girl; this disappoints her as she fears the baby girl may be "prettier" than she is. In the last episode of series 7 she gives birth, somewhat assisted by Munch, and names the baby "Louise Louise Brooks".
Supporting characters
Floella "Flo" Henshaw
- Played by: Beverley Callard (Series 1 - 3)
Flo Henshaw (January 13 1959 - January 1, 2005) is Donna's mother, and nicknames herself "the thinking man's strumpet". She has also modelled for top shelf magazines such as 'Readers Wives' and 'Pregnant Mums', being unashamedly keen on sex. Early in the series, she shows interest in Gaz, who finds this worrying, and on one occasion is caught by Jonny in suspicious circumstances with Janet's father. However, she offers Donna useful advice when things are not going well with Gaz. It is revealed at the start of Series 5 that Flo has been killed in a traffic accident (the "truck splat incident", according to Louise), and Donna finds out that all those "uncles" she had were actually Flo's lovers.
"Munch" Wilkinson
- Played by: Lee Oakes (Series 3 - 5 & 7)
Munch (whose real name is never revealed) appears one day at the garage where Gaz works, and turns out to be his long-lost half-brother. Gaz discovers that he's "a bit of a yoghurt" and is not allowed to hang around people too much. Munch would love to have a girlfriend but has to make do with the 'girl with sick on her' every Friday night. He develops a fixation for Donna after stumbling across her waiting for Gaz while wearing her kinky nurse's outfit. His attempts to attract women are usually unsuccessful due to his social ineptness- he once asked a "desperate" woman in The Archer if she'd like to "see his knob". He did, however, have a very brief relationship with Kelly the barmaid. Munch likes Vimto (according to him it is "big, clever and purple, like the prime minister" and "a really mellow high" - believing it to be alcoholic), salt and vinegar chipsticks, brown sauce and stale bread sandwiches. He often calls Gaz "Mr Wilkinson", and claims that he has "Munch magic", and it appears his sole talent is to make defunct car engines work. He returns in series 7 and appears to have found God while in Birmingham; until an irate Gaz forces him to drink a glass of Vimto and he reverts to the Munch of old.
Kelly the Barmaid
- Played by: Hayley Bishop (Series 3 - 6)
Kelly is first seen working at the local Sayers' Bakery, where she is a sycophantic lackey to Louise, without any self-confidence. Later in the series, she is the regular barmaid at The Archer and has become voraciously promiscuous, even with the elderly pub regulars, with whom she regularly exchanges STIs, particularly pub-regular, Arthur. She even has a brief relationship with Munch, but leaves him jammed into a playground swing. When she was denied the job of manager, she remained in the Archer, but working for Janet, and is last seen smothered by crisp wrappers in the final episode of series 6.
Corinthian McVitie Keogh
Corinthian McVitie Keogh is the son of Jonny Keogh and Janet Keogh. He is born during series 5, nine months after Janet slept with Gaz, which raises the question of whether Corinthian is Gaz or Jonny's son. It is revealed in series 6 that Gaz is "firing blanks", proving Jonny to be the father because he has "fully functioning balls". However it is revealed in series 7 that Jonny's DNA test had shown that he was not Corinthian's father. Louise goes through a phase of thinking she is God and tries to become Corinthian's godmother, but when Janet calls off the christening Louise christens him herself as "Corinthian McVitie Louise Keogh".
David Gideon Fish
- Played by: Jonathon Dutton (Series 3 - 4)
In series three Louise gets a valentine card from a secret admirer who turns out to be a geeky guy from her schooldays who has turned into a rather good-looking bloke. He has a pseudo-Australian accent since he has been living in Melbourne for the last eight years and is now a student in the area. He performs well on their first night together but not at all the next night, due to exhaustion and (according to him) the "friction burns on [his] cock". He had also had a one night stand with Donna a year previously, which upsets Louise and causes her to have a grudge against Donna for a while. David is something of a "new-age" man, being interested in self-help books and tai chi. He is eventually dumped by Louise as she thinks he is a "pretentious drongo".
Kate
- Played by: Alison Mac (Series 4)
Kate is a temporary barmaid at The Archer and becomes Jonny's new girlfriend after he has split up with Janet. Having a lot in common with Jonny, especially his love of biscuits, she and Jonny are almost constantly having sex. None of the others are fond of her, and after Gaz tries to seduce her to break up their relationship, she resolves to take Jonny away from them. However, Jonny dumps her instead, realising where his loyalties lie. Kate is possessive towards Jonny and her attitude to his friends is patronising.
Tim Claypole
- Played by: Luke Gell (Series 7)
Tim Claypole (a reference to Rentaghost[citation needed]) is the new bar manager of The Archer at the start of Series 7 and turns it into a theme pub, although the only evidence of the John Barrowman theme is a single framed photograph. He temporarily employs Janet as a barmaid, before hiring Donna who then takes over his position as manager. Although appearing to be gay, he maintains that he is happily married to a rugby-playing wife named Helena.
Minor characters
- Pete Smith (played by Rob Jarvis) - Janet's father
- Brian (played by Colin McFarlane) - Brian is Louise's real father, and when she is given a photograph of him is horrified to discover that he "...wears socks - and sandals!". He is traced by Louise, using only the angle from which the photograph has been taken, and the address written on its back. They meet in The Archer for the first time, and it becomes clear that Brian is a con-man; Jonny turns up, to Louise's annoyance, but Brian takes a shine to him, and it is obvious that Brian is gay. Jonny eventually realises this, and rejects Brian, who also reveals that he is an alcoholic.
- Andy (played by Oliver Boot)- Janet's previous boyfriend.
- Phillip - Phillip is Donna's university tutor, and is self-confident, but arrogant; he tries to persuade Donna to have sex with him in return for good essay marks. Gaz finds out about the arrangement and confronts Phillip while he and Donna are having brunch; this restores Gaz' ability to achieve an erection- Phillip thereafter becomes redundant and is not seen again.
- Arthur - Arthur is one of the most persistent of regulars at The Archer, appearing in almost every scene set there. He has sex with Kelly on several occasions, and once kisses Jonny in an experiment to find out whether Jonny is really gay. At the beginning of series seven, he has recorded some soundbites, not all of them appropriate, for Louise, to help her over her vocal problem.
References
- ^ however in the episode "Filthy Brunching" his birthdate is shown as 26th October on the file deleted by Louise
- ^ A beef tea[1]
- ^ the theme tune of which was his "favourite lullaby"
- ^ "Two Pints of Lager Outtakes". Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. 2008-03-09.
{{cite episode}}: Cite has empty unknown parameter:|serieslink=(help) - ^ Jonny thought of the name, showing his obsession with biscuits, though his favourites - Jammie Dodgers - are made by Burtons
- ^ in which Will Mellor appeared
- ^ Lewis Vilamor at IMDb
- ^ Jamie Ryde-Weller at IMDb
- ^ Zoe Ryde-Weller at IMDb