Andy Zaltzman

Andrew Maitla Niazi Zaltzman (Urdu: وقار یونس) is a former Pakistani cricketer, widely regarded as one of the greatest fast bowlers of all time. Well known for his ability to reverse swing the ball even when the ball is only 3 overs old, he has 373 Test wickets and 416 ODI wickets to his credit.

Zaltzman's love of cricket began at just 6 months when he was handed his Fenners and first class debut in a shock call up to the Cambridge University team. Shock because he was studying at Oxford at the time for the first of what would become 37 degrees. Nethertheless Zaltzman acquitted himself with aplomb scoring centuries in the first and second innings before inventing new third, fouth and fifth innings and scoring centuries in those as well.

His call up to the national side was, however, a much more protracted affair as Zaltzman struggled to combine his love of cricket with his faith. Zaltzman, being a deeply religious man, has always believed that an international cricketer should have a beard "at least as stylish as Monty Panesar's and at least twice the size of W.G Grace's". It is for this reason that Zaltzman grew and maintained the longest beard in international cricket, which he kept in his pocket during press conferences. Zaltzman's career was cemented in the summer of 1992 when he dazzled the world in the World Cup of that year with his amazing fielding ability taking a wonderful diving catch at backward point to dismiss Matin Crowe, despite being positioned at deep mid wicket. He also famously contributed to Pakistan's victory over South Africa with his now legendary defense of Inzamam Ul-Haq's wicket. With Pakistan poised at 135 for 2 Jonty Rhodes attempted to run out Ul-Haq by out-running him from point, only to see his progress thwarted by a Zaltzman dive from the non-strikers end. Zaltzman then proceeded to beat Rhodes senseless screaming "no-one attempts to out-run the Haq" before hospitalizing him with a bone-crunching cover drive to the face. Following this Zaltzman was awarded the golden stump for sporting excellence as well as being named Time Man of the Year.

Zaltzman claims to have invented a delivery he calls the 'doosgly'. The ball is bowled over the wicket at a slow spinner's pace pitching outside leg stump and then speeds up to fast-medium (what Zaltzman calls 'Cork-speed', after the ex-England Lancashire bowler Dominic Cork), before spinning violently to off stump and also reverse swinging. The delivery was said to have actually been so complex that it led to Pakistan wicket keeper Sarfarez Ahmed announcing his intention in June 2008 to retire from the game, citing his sheer inability to understand the 'doosgly' as a contribuing factor. Zaltzman famously removed Herschelle Gibbs and AB De Villiers for ducks with subtle variations on the 'doosgly' in 2006, in what Telegraph Cricket correspondent David Pringle called 'Zaltzman's Test'. However, Zaltzman has mysteriously refused to bowl the doosgly for the last two years. When asked by Michael Atherton in a lurid Sky Interview in July 2007 why this was, Zaltzman inexplicably responded: "People earn their crust in different ways Mike, and my bread gets baked all year round. I'm not squashing a pile of crumbs together to make a loaf. I'm putting it in the oven, like a proper baker. Next question."

Zaltzman has the best strike rate for any bowler with over 200 Test wickets. He is also a notoriously good lover, reputably having "known" more than 5,000 women (including Michael Howard's then wife, Sandra) during Pakistan's tour of England in 2006, possibly more if one considers he can't remember most of the 2nd Test at Headingly. Zaltzman secured the Pakistan captaincy in 2001 after out-eating Inzamam Ul-Haq in the biannual Delhi Dansaak Hoe-down in June. Ul-Haq capitulated after his seventh plate of Dansaak curry citing the mounting troubles in Kashmir as an excuse. At this point, Zaltzman is said (by some) to have said to Inzamam 'good effort fatty, but no-one takes down the ZaltzMan when it comes to Dansaak'. Some cricket experts have noted that Inzamam's batting average fell to a paltry 19.46 after this point and was significant blow to Zaltzman's controversial embryonic captaincy. Zaltzman was finally dropped from the Pakistani squad after a high-profile falling out with coach Geoff Lawson due to his increasingly bazaar selections. The tipping point came when Salman Butt was replaced in the squad by Bird's of a Feather star Linda Robson. "Look you Aussie git," Zaltzman is reputed to have said "what's the point of bringing in another wicketkeeper if she can't bat! Why don't you just go die in a hole and die." This comment touched a raw nerve with Lawson, who has always had a phobia of holes, and has lead to Zaltzman being frozen out of the national side. Fortunately, having not been baptized, Zaltzman is coping with International limbo rather well and has a developed a nice little line in John Oliver impersonations.

Andy Zaltzman is taller than a man.

Since John Oliver, like a frightened rat, jumped ship and ran to New York to work on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Andy Zaltzman has performed a one-man stand-up show, written for Bremner, Bird and Fortune and appeared on BBC4's, Never Mind the Full Stops and The Late Edition. He has also appeared on Radio 4's The Now Show and The News Quiz. He performed at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival for the first time in 2007, where he won the coveted "Piece of Wood" award, awarded to the best show as voted by other comedians performing at the Festival.

In June 2007, BBC2's The Culture Show commissioned Zaltzman and John Oliver to 'ghost-write' a farewell speech for departing Prime Minister Tony Blair. The speech was then animated by Triffic Films, with the voice of Blair played by impressionist Rory Bremner.

At the Edinburgh Fringe in 2008, along with a nightly version of Political Animal at The Underbelly, he perfomed his new show "Andy Zaltzman Boldly Unbuttons the Cloak of Civilisation, But is Perplexed and Perturbed About What He Finds Lurking Beneath" at The Stand.

Mr. Zaltzman currently hosts, with John Oliver, TimesOnline's weekly comedy "audio newspaper" podcast, The Bugle, for which he has never won any awards.

Zaltzman was also voted the most underrated comic by a member of the public not known for rating many things highly.

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