Monty Can't Buy Me Love

Template:Infobox The Simpsons season ten "Monty Can't Buy Me Love" is the twenty-first episode of The Simpsons' tenth season. The episode aired on May 2, 1999.

Episode details

Production Number: AABF17
Original Air Date: May 2, 1999
Writer: John Swartzwelder
Director: Mark Ervin
Blackboard: "I have neither been there nor done that."
Couch Gag: The family forms a chorus line, which turns into a large production number.
Guest Voice: Michael McKean as Jerry Rude

Synopsis

It's a normal afternoon, and Marge wants Homer, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie to go for a walk. They do, and apparently arrive at a Fortune Megastore, a venture of wealthy Springfieldian Arthur Fortune (modelled on British entrepreneur Richard Branson), who gives every one of his customers a dollar each. This embarrasses Mr. Burns, who shows up at the opening. He sees Homer, and asks him to help him to be loved by all.

As his first activity, Burns makes Homer throw silver dollars from the top of a tall building, which causes injuries. Next, he tries to make Homer donate money to the Springfield Hospital, mindful that it was Homer who made the donation. Mr. Burns appears on a radio show parodying Howard Stern, called "Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch", and says many rude things. Feeling disappointed, Mr. Burns makes his newest plan, which is to go to Scotland to capture the legendary Loch Ness Monster, and they bring along Professor Frink and Groundskeeper Willie. With Mr. Burns' help, the monster is captured and sent to Springfield to be unveiled.

However, when the monster is being unveiled, Burns is being blinded by flash pictures, and as a result, he runs into a camera, which crashes, allowing fires to happen. In the aftermath of the incident, Homer and Burns agree to have Nessie get a job at a casino.

Quotes

• Lisa: (watching The Postman on a big screen TV) Ooh, I hear this really sucks.
• Mr. Burns: (reading Billionaire Beat magazine) I can't believe it! I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires! I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake!
• Mr. Burns: And now, presenting the ninth wonder of the world—the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice—I give you the Loch Ness monster!
• Arthur Fortune: I have some bad news from my accountant. It seems I have too much money. Who wants a dollar?!
  Homer: ME!!!!
  Arthur: What's your name?
  Homer: I don't know! Just give it to me!
• Mr. Burns: Get to work! What do you think I'm paying you for?
  Homer: Uh...to work in your power plant?
  Willie: You're not paying me anything.
  Prof. Frink: You kidnapped me. I remember it distinctly. With the grabbing and the duct-taping and the tennis ball in the mouth. It hurt meeeeeeeee.
• Homer: Hey, Willie, that old couple looks just like you.
  Willie: Tis my ma and pa. They own a pub which still has the same pool table on which I was conceived, born, and educated.
  Willie's ma: So ya back home now?
  Willie: Aye.
  Willie's pa: I suppos' ya'll be leavin' soon.
  Willie: Aye.
  (they then shrug and walk off)
• Willie: That was amazin' Mr. Burns.
  Mr. Burns: Well I was a little afraid when he swallowed me, but you know the rest.
• Marge: This Family's getting so lazy.
  Bart: I'm not lazy. I'm just...Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
  Lisa: Why don't you finish (fading) you're...own...darn..zzzzz (falls off couch)
• Marge: When was the last time we went for a good old fashioned family walk?
  Homer Oh, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.
• Bart: If you love me, you'll kill me.
• Otto: New Music? Man, all these bands are just ripping on Judas Priest.
• Mr. Burns: (blaring on horn) Step lively, Smithers. That orphanage won't demolish itself.
  Smithers Sir, although I do enjoy your loud, excessive honking, it doesn't seem to be moving the crowd.
  Burns: Deploy the cow-catcher.
• Mr. Burns Books and cocoa in the same store? What's next, a talking banana?
• Mr. Burns: The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity. Where's the contempt for the common man.